


Breathe easy

by Anonymous



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bulimia, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Relationships, M/M, Self-Induced Vomiting, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vomiting, kind of, when u can't control ur life n accidentally develop an ed in hopes of finding some control
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-08-09 21:35:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20124199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: He didn't mean to find himself hunched over the toilet after every meal, really, he didn't.(aka that one fic where chan finds a way to cope with his anxiety in a less than healthy way.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is just me venting about my own eating issues and how quickly they got out of hand hnnnghjv
> 
> please read the tags before reading, please

He heaves, the tickling of his fingers brushing against the back of his throat just the extra push he'd needed, as tonight's dinner comes spilling out of him in an instant, the mess of multicolored, semi-digested sludge splattering sickly into the basin below. Chan's eyes watering as he lurches forward yet again, stomach muscles contracting almost painfully so, knuckles white as he gripped the edge of the toilet bowl and hacked, taking in large mouthfuls of air in between his bouts of puking, heart pounding wildly against his chest. And for a second Chan actually fears it'll give out, but the thought does little in actually managing to stop him.

The blonde gasping and spluttering as the last of the contents of his stomach are finally emptied, though he heaves a few more times for good measure, Chan's breath labored as he clutches at the ledge weakly. Chan gingerly maneuvering himself so that his back is resting against the bathroom door as he struggles to even out his breathing, his vision blurring as he focuses all of his remaining energy into making sure he doesn't pass out. The walls of the dorm's tiny bathroom gradually losing the blurry coat they appeared to be painted in, his pulse returning to normal, the hotness that had overtaken every single inch of his body washing away. 

But the relief Chan feels is short lived, his eyes just beginning to droop when a sharp knock at the door startles him back into being fully conscious, his breath baited as he waits for the inevitable, expecting the doorknob to start to jiggle any moment now, a cold sweat breaking out as he feels his hands start to grow clammy. His shoulders tensing as he hears the sound of someone clearing their throat from the other side of the door, every fiber of his being wishing whoever was out there would somehow hear his thoughts and back off, but he knows those chances are slim to none. He knows the others won't give up that easily-

"Hyung?" Chan muttering a string of curses when he recognizes their maknae's voice, as Jeongin of all people didn't need to be seeing his hyung in such a state, "Is everything okay? I thought I heard the sound of someone being sick-"

"I'm fine Innie," He replies a little too quickly, swallowing thickly around the lump that's suddenly formed in his throat. "I just guess dinner didn't agree with me is all. But better out than in, right?" The cruel irony of those words almost laughable, keyword _almost._

"...I guess," Jeongin briefly hesitating before he continues, "But are you sure that you're okay?" Chan's heart dropping to the pit of his stomach when he picks up on the genuine concern hidden behind those words, the wave of guilt that washes over him having him wanting to hurl all over again. The urge to shove his fingers down his throat and forcibly rid himself of the unwanted emotion making his skin crawl, Chan biting down on his lower lip until he tastes the bitter tanginess of blood, the substance a familiarity that he finds comfort him, which he supposes months of throwing it up alongside his food is to blame for that certain peculiarity.

"Hyung?" Chan snapping out of his thoughts when Jeongin knocks again, the franticness inflicted having a slight slur to his words, "Hyung please answer, you're scaring me-"

"I said that I'm fine," He repeats, "Really."

"You promise?"

"I promise Innie."

* * *

"Jeongin said that you were sick."

Is the first thing to come out of Felix's mouth upon Chan entering the living room after his latest, well, _incident._ The younger Aussie instantly latching onto his side, slipping his tiny hand into Chan's larger, interlacing their fingers together as he drags the older over to the couch. Chan pretending that he doesn't notice how Felix refuses to meet his eyes, his gaze focused intently on the wooden floorboards beneath him.

"Mhmm hmm," He nods, not really having it in him to talk, "But I'm okay now," Squeezing Felix's hand comfortingly when he realizes he's yet to let go, the faint redness to his knuckles either not as noticeable as Chan thinks it is, or it's simply something Felix is choosing to ignore.

"I can tell when you're lying hyung," Felix replies in a whisper, sounding almost worried for a second there, but that was probably all in Chan's imagination. Because why would Felix be worried about him? He was perfectly okay, in fact, he'd honestly never been better. 

Sure, perhaps making yourself throw up after every meal wasn't the ideal, _but it helped._

The tightness in his chest dissipating, his nerves soothed, the air breathable for once, his worries melting away with a mere flush of the toilet. The pounding of his heart after emptying the contents of his stomach assuring him that he was still very much alive, the rush of adrenaline that floods his body painting his cheeks a rosy red. Chan getting high off the carefree, floating sensation of being perfectly weightless, of being the one who got to dictate whether or not he'd be held down by such hindering emotions_, of being the one who was in control for once._

"-if it makes you uncomfortable," Chan only hearing that last little bit of Felix's sentence, "But I'm always here to listen." Chan stiffening when the younger boy leans his head on his shoulder, Felix humming softly to himself as the two sit in otherwise what would be complete silence. The somehow childish smell of his strawberry scented shampoo reminding him of exactly why he couldn't dare open up to the freckle-faced boy, the thought of Felix's crestfallen look paired with saddened eyes making Chan insides churn uncomfortably. "You know I'd never judge you, right hyung?"

"Of course 'lix," Not at all meaning what he'd said, "And I'd do the very same for you." Chan shifting the focus from himself with a horribly fake and forced laugh, pulling his hand out of Felix's to teasingly poke at his jean clad thighs, the rapper yelping before swatting Chan away with adorable smile of his, a smile Chan never wants to see become dull, _to become like his._

"Quit it hyunggg~," He whines, though his words are said with an infectious giggle, obviously quite pleased at being the center of the older's attention, the pure adoration shining in his eyes only solidifying Chan's vow to never let his precious dongsaeng find out about his shameful secret, as seeing that respect turn to pity and perhaps even well justified anger would just absolutely crush Chan. Said male's smile slipping before returning twice as wide, his dimples set deep as he turns to attacking Felix's sides, who responds by letting out a high-pitched squeal at the touch.

"Never Lixie!"

* * *

Chan especially doesn't want to let Felix know that he throws up his breakfast the next morning either, the blonde's heart racing as he shakily flushes the toilet.

The sound of Jisung and Hyunjin's bickering heard even from inside the vomit smelling bathroom, Chan shaking his head as he sets about cleaning up, the disinfectant spray he'd hidden away under the sink's cabinet doing little in terms of masking the smell, but that was okay, he'd bought air freshener specifically to address that issue. Chan blinking away the spots clouding his vision as he scrubs down the toilet seat, being sure to reach every little nook and cranny for fear of one of the other members noticing. His hands working diligently even with the dizziness he'd only recently began to experience, which was worrying but not _too_ worrying. As Chan was honestly more worried about being found out than he was about the danger he putting himself in every time he threw up. 

Reassuring himself that he was fine and that he could go lie down after he'd finished cleaning up, using the back of his hand to brush away the beads of sweat that were now rolling down his temples, his whole body strangely warm in the chilling coolness of the bathroom. Though he pays no heed, scrubbing harder as the world around him became more and more distorted, the logical part of him telling him to just stop, that he needed to take a breather and lay low until he felt well enough to pick up where he had left off. While the stubborn, more emotional focused part of him was screaming at him to hurry up or else someone would come see why he was taking so damn long, and Chan being Chan, listens.

In fact he's nearly done when the world starts spinning, like _actually_ fucking spinning. Chan gripping blindly for the bathtub ledge as he makes a weak attempt of steadying himself, the hotness he's feeling now burning and fuck it hurts, it really _really_ hurts. His vision good as gone as he feels himself start to fall, just vaguely hearing a dull 'thud' as he hits the ground over the blood roaring in his ears. The instantaneous sound of racing footsteps making his stomach drop, but he's powerless to anything about it now, his eyes shutting, though not before the panicked scream of someone shouting for help rings out.

"Oh my god go get Woojin-hyung!"

_Fuck._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have returned to this partially because of a) i am now engaging in my shitty behaviors more than once a day and b) idk i was hit with inspiration  
hmm shit hits the fan, that's it, that's all i'll say on this chapter

“Well, Jeongin did say that hyung had been throwing up yesterday....” Felix mumbles, fiddling with his fingers as he trails off, "...Isn't that right, Innie?" Changbin arching a brow as he shoots their youngest a questioning look, to which the maknae simply shrugged in some sort of vague response, his eyes trained on the wooden floorboards below.

"Y-Yeah," He answers softly, Hyunjin grabbing his hand when Jeongin starts to fidget, obviously uncomfortable with being the center of attention. "He, uh, said it was probably food poisoning? I...think?” Seungmin’s lips pursed as he watches Jeongin nervously reach for the right words to say, almost as if he knows something more on the matter, _something he isn't sure that he should be revealing._

"You think?" Changbin not at all missing how Jeongin involuntarily flinches at Seungmin's rather accusatory tone, Hyunjin glaring at the brunette when he feels the maknae tense beside him. 

"Well, yeah," Jeongin whispers, "Hyung said that he was fine-"

"Hyung always says that he's fine!" Felix jumping at Seungmin's sudden outburst, "You know just as well as I do that he says he's fine when he clearly isn't fine! You-"

"Seungmin!" Changbin scolds, "Calm down! You're making him uncomfortable-"

"So?! He should have told told us that hyung wasn't feeling well to begin with! He had no right to keep this to himself! He-"

"That's enough Seungmin! Out!" Both Jeongin and Felix whimpering as Changbin points to the door, "When you've cooled down enough to think rationally you can come back."

"What?! I didn't even do anything wrong-"

"Out." The rapper repeats, voice firm, "Don't make me say it again," He warns, Seungmin scowling as he makes his way to the door, Hyunjin squeezing the maknae's hand reassuringly when Jeongin draws in a quivering breath, obviously shaken up by the older's mini temper tantrum.

"Fine," Seungmin snaps, "Have it your way then," And with that, he stomps out the door.

* * *

_"Starving yourself isn't healthy," Hyunjin frowning at the younger's words, "Though I doubt that'll discourage you from doing so anyways."_

_"I'm not starving myself," He corrects, crossing his arms over his chest, "I'm simply cutting down on calories is all."_

_"Oh, really? Sorry, I didn't know that only eating one meal a day was considered "cutting down on calories" hm," But other than that snide remark, Seungmin doesn't press, he knows it won't be of much use, as Hyunjin never was one to listen to his concerns anyways._

_"Yeah, well at least I'm making an effort to even eat," Hyunjin huffs, "Some people don't even do that-" Whatever he was about to say getting interrupted when the door to their room slams open, Chan's dimples on full display, grinning so widely that Hyunjin finds himself wincing._

_"Dinner's ready!" He happily announces, "Minho ordered out tonight! We're having pizza!" Seungmin's eyes lighting up, while Hyunjin, on the other hand, pales._

_"Say, Seungmin's voice dripping with feigned excitement, "Don't you love pizza Hyunjin-"_

_"Yes, yes I do," Hyunjin's cheeks flushed as he pushes past the two, well aware that there was no escaping this meal, "Now c'mon, if we wait around for too long it'll get cold."_

* * *

"Hyung? Oh my god! Minho, he's awake!" Jisung's loud voice doing next to nothing to help the throbbing headache that Chan's currently experiencing, the younger rapper wasting no time in thrusting a water bottle into his hands, something that Chan's actually grateful for. Minho simply offering the leader a small smile upon reappearing from god knows where, a packet of crackers in his hands, which he tosses to Chan.

"Looks like our Sleeping Beauty has finally woken up," The raven teases, his dark eyes sparkling, "Took you long enough," Chan sticking his tongue out as he struggles to open his crackers before he gives up and hands them to Jisung, who opens them on the first try. Chan mumbling an embarrassed "thank you Sungie" as his ears turn pink, both Minho and Jisung laughing when they take notice of this.

"So, uh what happened-"

"Why did you pass out hyung?" Jisung's question colliding with Chan's own, the younger boy staring at him oh so expectantly, "Binnie said that Felix and Innie told him that they'd heard you getting sick—is that what happened today?" Chan nodding dumbly, not really having it in him to lie to Jisung of all people, Minho watching their interaction with an unreadable expression on his face, and boy does Chan hope that he'll accept his answer as the truth. _Which it is, that is what happened after all._

"Y-Yeah," He mumbles, looking anywhere but at Jisung and Minho, "Must have been something I ate." Minho frowning at Chan's reply, something that the older doesn't notice, or at least Minho doesn't think that he notices.

"Hmm, okay hyung," Jisung mumbles, climbing into Chan's bed, who scoots over immediately, Jisung cuddling up to blonde much like a koala would, his arms wrapping tightly around Chan's slim waist. "If you say so," Minho grabbing his phone to snap a secret photo of the two before he makes his way to the door, ready to relay the information he'd just received to the rest of the group. 

"I'm fine Sungie, really, I'm a-okay."

_But are you really?_

* * *

_"I'll be okay, it's not like this isn't anything I can hide," Chan mutters to himself, splashing his face with cold water a couple of times, but his red-rimmed eyes stubbornly staying put. "It's not like the others will pick up on something as minor as scraped up knuckles, right?" He tries to reassure himself but to no avail, panic bubbling under his skin uncomfortably, the blonde wanting nothing more than to puke the feeling out, but it's not like Chan can do anything about that now, not when he's already overstayed his stay in the bathroom as it is._

_"Y-Yeah, I'll be fine," Flushing the toilet with shaky hands, "It's barely even noticeable-"_

_"Hyung?" Comes Felix's voice, "Hurry up! I really gotta pee!"_

_"I'll be out in five," Chan replies, grabbing the bottle of air freshener and going to town, the sickly sweet smell of flowers effectively blocking out the pungent smell of puke, "Okay?"_

_"Okay! Just hurry up!"_

* * *

"So yeah, that's what he said when we asked," Minho explains, Hyunjin and Jeongin exchanging a nervous glance, Changbin swearing under his breath while Felix simply looks like he's about to cry at any given second.

"He used the same excuse," Changbin finally speaks up, "He used the same excuse he gave to Jeongin when he asked,"

"And? Maybe he really does have that weak of a stomach." Minho finds himself defending the blonde, "Who are we to go about accusing hyung-"

"Are you that naive or are you really just that dumb?!" Changbin's out of character brashness startling them all, "There's simply no way for Chan-hyung to have had food poisoning when we eat the very same food that he does."

"Well what other options does that leave us with?!" Minho's face paling as the gears slowly begin to turn, the puzzle pieces sliding into place, creating a picture that he can only pray isn't the case. "Y-You don't mean...."

"Think about it hyung," Jeongin pipes up, "Channie-hyung does tend to disappear after mealtimes, even when we eat out-"

"You're wrong! Hyung wouldn't do that!" Felix's voice a pitch higher, his eyes watery, his fingernails digging into his palms, "Hyung would never m-make himself sick! That's not in his nature!"

"We're not saying that he _does_, we're just throwing the option out there is all," Changbin tries to explain, but Felix is already on his feet and heading for the same door that Seungmin had exited from, Hyunjin about to follow the Aussie when Jeongin tightens his grip on his hand, eyes pleading with him not to go.

"Felix calm down!"

"Don't tell me what to do!"

"Felix seriously-"

_The door rattles from the force it was slammed shut with._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback helps a ton *eyes emoji*

**Author's Note:**

> maybe i'll be inspired to add onto this? idk but i hope you enjoyed whatever the hell this word vomit is


End file.
